¡England the Exploradora!
by The Rico Suave
Summary: Arthur is off with Peter the Monkey to Yao the Big Red Chicken's birthday party, but they're having trouble getting there, lol enjoy! WARNING STRONG LANGUAGE AND SUGGESTION, IT'S ENGLAND AND FRANCE, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT! Chpt 3 is coming, sry for the delay!
1. Chapter 1

**_This is a crack fanfic I wrote at midnight. I got this weird idea from the thought of England saying "no, swiper, no" to France. Arthur is off with Peter the Monkey to Yao the Big Red Chicken's birthday party, but they're having trouble getting there, lol enjoy! First fanfic, please tell me how I did!_**

**_Character list: Dora-England/Arthur; Diego-America/Alfred; Boots-Sealand/Peter; Swiper-France/Francis; Map-Italy/Feliciano; Backpack-Germany/Ludwig; Squirrel thingy (Tico)-Spain/Antonio; Cow thing (Benny)-Poland/Feliks; Troll-Russia/Ivan; The Lizard(Isa)-Hungary/Elizaveta; Mariachi criters-Baltics (Estonia/Eduard, Latvia/Raivis, Lithuania/Toris); Grandma-Prussia/Gilbert; Big Red Chicken-China/Yao; Toucan thing- Romano/Lavino; Japan/Kiku- Baby Jaguar; One of the shining stars-Canada/Matthew._**

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**¡England the Exploradora!**

Chapter 1

It's Yao the Big Red Chicken's birthday today, so Arthur is off with Peter the Monkey to Yao's house for his birthday party.

"Here Arthur, I wrapped the present awesomely," boasts grandma Gilbert.

"Thanks grandma, hopefully I can get to the party on time. Last time that bloody git, Francis the Fox, made me late to Antonio the Squirrel's birthday party. That frog face is such a pervert!"

"Yeah, sorry the awesome me can't drive you there, but grandma's going out with the girls."

"Come on you old hag! Your ninety billion years old, what are you going to do?"

Grandma Gilbert hits Arthur upside the head. "I'm not that old! If you want to know, this awesome grandma is going out on the town to pick up some hot papasitos." She wiggles her eyebrows.

"Gross old woman!"

"Hey, I still got some of my awesome game." She strutted in her walk.

While Arthur was turning red in the face and yelling at his grandmother, Peter the Monkey came in.

"Hey guys...um, England why are you trying to beat up an old lady? Oh man, she's kicking your ass!"

"Shut up!"

* * *

"So um, how do we get there?"

"Weren't you supposed to find that out Peter!"

"I just have the invite with the address. I thought you knew where it was."

"How the bloody hell am I suppose to know?"

"Well aren't you Arthur the Exploradora?"

"YES, BUT I EXPLORE! THAT MEANS TRY AND INVESTIGATE A NEW PLACE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT'S THERE; I'M NOT A GEOLOGIST WHO KNOWS WHERE EVERYTHING IS!" Arthur's head was growing double in size, his face was red, and he had smoke coming out of his ears.

"Well you could just try using your map. You don't have to yell at me." Peter retorts.

Arthur tried to calm down, "Fine! Hand me the invitation!" Peter pulled a folded card out of his boot.

_BIRTHDAY PARTY!_

_For: Yao the Big Red Chicken_

_Where: 273 Smiley Rainbow Bunnies Sprinkles Unicorns Place with a Cherrie on Top of Death Street 3_

_Magical Chicken Egg, China, or maybe Hello Kitty Land, how about Pluto?_

_Time: 12:00-200:963_

_RSVP: ABCD1234*/+5+5=pie8T58G4U3.1448`.,/:p_

"Peter, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!"

"The invitation," he says innocently.

"Nooo, this is a FUCKING BLOODY JOKE! WHERE'S THE REAL INVITATION! I FUCKING SWEAR IF YOU DON'T FUCKING HAND OVER THE REAL ONE, THE BLOODY HELL NOW, I'LL FUCKING RIP YOUR ARMS OFF AND MAKE SURE YOU RUN HOME WITH YOUR HEAD BETWEEN YOUR ASS! I OUTTA..." Arthur continued his threats.

"Have you ever thought about taking anger management classes." interrupts Peter. "You can go see this therapist friend I have, okay maybe he _is_ my therapist, but you should-"

"WHY YOU!" Arthur went to suck the living daylights out of him, when Francis the Fox showed up.

"_Bonjour mes chéris_."

"Not now Francis."

"Ah, but you seem to not know the location of Yao's house, and _mio_ is also going to Yao's party."

"Just leave us alone frog face!"

"Come on now, _mon cheri_. I know the route to China's place. Just let me lead you there." Francis took a couple steps towards them. "I'm also an explorer and an astronaut; It's my goal to one day explore Uranus, _mon petit explorateur_." He leans towards Arthur.

"Lay off you BLOODY GIT!"

"But how can I resist you, tall, handsome, and eyebrows, _especially the eyebrows_, how can I hold back?" Francis leaned in and tried to slither his hands around Arthur's waist. His hands are slapped away and Arthur tries to punch the french fox, but the blow was dodged. Francis only laughed. "I do like it angry and hot. _Very angry and hot_."

"Shut up!" Arthur grabs Peter and tries to get away. Francis moves quickly in front of them, being the sly animal he is.

"Why are you going, when you could be coming?" he says seductively.

"Can't you find someone else to rape!" Arthur put up his hand, as did Peter.

Together they chant, "Fucker no fucking! Fucker no fucking! WANKER NO FUCKING!"

"Dumbasses that's not gonna work, damn it." said Lovino the Toucan. "Use a god damn rape whistle will ya!"

"Huh? What are you doing here Lovino?" asked Peter.

Just then Alfred swoops in on a vine and hits Francis, knocking the French fox unconscious. He places a foot on top of Francis and put his hands on his hips. "No fear! Alfred is here! The hero has once again come to the rescue! Haha, your evil doings stop now Francis the Fox!-" he points his finger down at Francis"-You now have to deal with me! I will have you face justice, now stand up and fight the brave, bold, and handsome HERO!" He lifted up his hand and made a fist, keeping his other on his waist.

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**_Hope you enjoyed that! Lol, I was going to make this a one shot, but I ended up putting a lot of thought into it and I wanna continue it further. ;D_**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Here's the next chapter, if you don't already know, I added Japan in the story list. I can't resist not putting him in there! That's my character from hetalia! Enjoy!**_

**_Oh yeah, I forgot to say this last time, I no own Hetalia, and if I did, England would kill me for letting France harrass him lol!_**

"You're so full of yourself, you know?" comments Arthur. He had his arms crossed in annoyance. "Albert you're not a cop, aren't you like an animal, whatever."

"A hero none the less!" he replies with a huge grin and a thumbs up. "By the way," he added, "you should really carry around a rape whistle." Arthur growls at the comment, he starts to call his cousin a multitude of names. "You should also consider getting some anger management classes as well."

"See Arthur! You really should." adds Peter, the Monkey was up in a tree trying to get a banana.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP! BEFORE I SHOVE THOSE BANANAS DOWN YOUR THROUT AND GIVE THIS KNUCKLEHEAD A KICK IN HIS HEROIC MEMBER!"

"Meow?" asked Kiku the Baby Jaguar. He was the one who lead the three to their rescue.

"Yes, I'm fine! I didn't need to be rescued; I could have dealt with that bastard all by myself." He insists in a peevish reply.

"Meow?" Kiku asked calmly.

"For the last time," he mumbles as he grinds his teeth. "I DON'T NEED A RAPE WHISTLE!"

"Hey Kiku," called out his master. "What's the way to Yao's house?"

"Meow." Kiku purred as he faced west.

"Thank you Kiku for commenting on my super devilish, but angelic, good looks. But where's Yao's-"

"MEOW!" he tried again, jumping toward the path they should follow.

"Oh, Kiku, thank you!" Alfred had a small blush on his cheeks. "I wouldn't go so far as to saying I look like a young Leonardo Dicaprio."

"Meow!" Kiku had a plea in his voice.

Alfred blindly ignores that last retort. "I'd say more like Brad Pitt, yeah, or a blond Orlando Bloom. I know I'm a heroic hunk, who can resist pointing it out."

Kiku kept trying to argue with his master, but Alfred failed at interpreting what his pet told him. Romano just looked on, not really caring if they made it to the party in time or not. He was the only one who could break up these arguments or misinterpretations.

"Come on Peter." Alfred whispered to his monkey friend, pulling him along.

* * *

"Okay, now that we've ditched that dumbass, let's figure out how to get to Yao's house."

"Yup," Peter says with a smile.

"Let's just take out Feliciano, my map, outta old backpack Ludwig here."

"I'm not that old." retorts Ludwig in a stern manner. "I'm built strong though, I can withstand anything."

"Ludwig! Ve, ve, ve!" Feliciano chanted.

"Except that guy." he adds with a sigh.

"Ve, ve, ve, ve, ve, ve, ve, ve, ve, ve…" Feliciano kept at the chants. The small Italian map was jumping around in Ludwig's side pocket

"Okay calm down Feliciano, I'm not in the mood."

"Ve, ve."

"So how do we get to Yao's house, the _fastest_ route , and don't you leading us to Pasta Mountain again! The pasta fairies there were bitches."

"You can't call something a bitch if it doesn't exist," Peter points out.

"How can a non-believer understand." Arthur crossed his arms.

"Ve, Arthur are you sure we can't pass by pasta mountain." Feliciano pleads.

"No, those fairies were 'running a corner' there." Peter and Feliciano were confused. "They're whores," he bluntly says.

"What's a whore?" Feliciano asked

Ludwig tries to answer, "It's a, um a…a, it's a-"

"It's like a monkey and a banana," interrupts Arthur. "Usually, a monkey gets the banana for free; it just has to be determined to climb a tree to get one. The higher the tree, the better a banana. Though, some monkeys go to a whore, the whore gives them a banana, for a certain price. It's wrong to get a banana in that manner."

"Wait!" Peter says. "Didn't you give me a banana once? Does that mean you're a whore?"

"HELL NO!"

"Then what's sex?"

"WHEN A MAN STICKS HIS WHOOH-WHOOH INTO A WOMEN'S CHA-CHA! SO DON'T DO IT UNTIL YOU'RE MARRIED!"

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**Lol hope you enjoyed that little bit about explaining sex. If you don't already know what sex is, then I just informed you! Lmao till next time! :D**

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Chapter 2


	3. Chapter 3

_**Sorry this is really late. My computer got a virus D: then midterms came T.T then I lost my phone (that has nothing to do with why I didn't update, but it made me sad ;~;) Please don't be mad at me ^. Any ways, here's chapter two, I was up until midnight working on it, then had my editor look at it, so here it is!**_

**_Btw: Just to remind you, Ravis: Latvia, Eduard: Estonia, and Toris: Lithuania. They're in this chapter!_**

**_And...I DON'T OWN HETALIA!_**

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"Thank you Feliciano for not leading us to Pasta Mountain, but next time, don't try to take a detour to TOMATO MEADOW!"

"Ve, but the tomatoes are sooooo pretty."

"It's a fucking vegetable, it's NOT PRETTY! Ugh, vegetables are sooo disgusting. No bloody parents should try to make their child eat such atrocities." says Arthur with a face of disgust.

"Um, Arthur as a very popular children's character, I don't think you should make such a comment. Very angry parents could call in to the show and complain. You could get fired," advises Ludwig.

"Please, we talk about rape, whores, sex, violence, and we curse openly without bleeping it out, and that's just in this episode. In last week's episode, we showed just how irresponsible we really were when we showed Antonio the Squirrel, Elizaveta the Lizard, and Feliks the Cow smoking pot. We didn't even advise them about quitting their addiction, we just joined in. We even asked the little boys and girls to join in if they wanted to. Then we all ended up going to the Home Depot that's open late, at two in the morning, to buy a bath tub, 30 door mats, a door, a lawnmower, and a lamp–thinking we could build a spaceship. What the hell were we thinking! YOU CAN'T BUILD A SPACESHIP WITH THAT! If I'm going to get fired, it won't be because I said that you shouldn't eat your vegetables."

"But tomatoes aren't vegetables, they're fruits. You should try being smart about what you say," comments Peter.

"Just shut up Peter." says Arthur. He gives Peter a cold stare. "Just shut the fuck up." Peter backs away a few steps. Arthur then runs after the monkey. "Come back here you bloody GIT!"

* * *

The small monkey is fast. Arthur chases the monkey until they come to a small foot bridge. Peter stopped scarred, as does Arthur. He suddenly forgets why he was chasing Peter.

The surrounding area is covered in snow and there is a constant wind blowing. It gives a harsh whisper. The sky is no longer a bright blue; it is a mix of dark blues and grays. The trees that surrounded them look like they have multiple arms with pointed claws. Icicles that form on the trees look as sharp as knives.

"Aaaaaaah, Ludwig, I'm scared!" cries Feliciano.

"Just calm down. Arthur, just cross the bridge with Peter, there's nothing to worry about." says Ludwig with calm.

"I-I can't. This place is creeping me out. I don't know why, but I can't move." says Arthur in a shaky voice.

The small Italian map was whining a small cry.

"Feliciano!" yells the German backpack. "Stop jumping around in my side pocket! STOP GOING IN AND OUT! NO DON'T DO THAT, THAT HURTS!"

"Hello, who's there?" someone says in a Russian accent. A furry yellow creature crawled out from under the small foot bridge. He has long scarf and violet eyes. In his hand, he holds a rusted pipe. Everyone stood still. "Have you come to become one with mother Russia, da?" The mysterious character asks with a smile.

"Ah, no we're good," replies Peter nervously.

"Is that suppose to be sexual harassment?" Arthur asks. "Because I already have a pedo fox following me around. I don't need a hairy troll trying to do the same."

"What was that? I couldn't hear you," The Russian troll was now standing behind Arthur. He had moved there in a blink of an eye. Arthur turns around. "Can you repeat it for me?" says the troll, giving Arthur a cold stare.

Arthur quickly waves his hands. "N-nothing, really, don't worry about it. Ha, ha, eh," He looked scared. "So we're cool, right buddy?"

"I'm not your buddy," says the troll. He puts a hand on Arthur's shoulder. "But I guess I can let this slide...for a price."

Arthur laughs nervously, until the Russian backed away. Then he felt a tug on his shirt.

"Um, Arthur," he looked down at Peter, "You pissed your pants."

No wonder the Russian backed away...

* * *

Good thing Ludwig kept extra clothes for Arthur.

"Now that you're cleaned up, I'd like to introduce myself, I'm Ivan the Troll." He gives a rather innocent smile, though his eyes look rather haughty.

"Um, it's nice to meet you." Arthur still wears a red face after his little accident.

"Now that that's over with, let's get down to business."

"Business?" Peter asks.

"Yes, but of course. You're here to check out the variety of whores." adds the Russian with a smile. He wears a cloak of innocence but hides sin.

"What?" Arthur exclaims.

Peter is a bit confused, he naively says, "You're gonna give me a banana? And have me stick my-"

"Peter! Not until you're married!"

"Well now," says the Russian. "The kid should have some fun." He then whistles a call toward the small foot bridge. Out came three people. "Now," starts the Russian. "I have Toris, Eduard, and Raivis ready to pleasure you."

"Help us." says the smallest one. He wears a terrified face.

"I have high quality whores, they do as asked, but regret it later when they go home and cut themselves." the Russian adds with a smile. "It's really an enjoyable business."

Arthur looks at the troll speechless.

"So can I still get a banana, I'm hungry," adds Peter. "I don't care if I'm not married."

"Peter!"

"That's alright," says Ivan. "Ravis! Come here," The critter with the terrified face came forward. "You're about his size. Give him something to eat," the Russian adds with a wink. Peter looked happy, naive to the situation.

"Peter! NO! YOU'RE NOT GONNA WANK A HOOKER!" exclaims Arthur.

Ivan stepped forward, "He'll be okay. Look," the Russian grabbed an icicle from a tree. He crushed it with just his bare hands. "I just broke the ice. It won't be awkward now. Ravis, come give the kid something to swallow down."

"YOU'RE NOT GONNA HAVE HIM SLEEP WITH PETER!"

"Sleep? I thought I was getting something to eat," Peter says confused.

"Would you like breakfast in bed?" adds Ivan with a wink. "I'll get you three bananas, pancakes with warm, sticky maple syrup, and some whip cream. Would you like a glass of milk with all that? You'll need something to swallow that all down."

"THE FUCK HE DOESN'T!"

"But Arthur that sounds really yummy," adds Peter with anticipation.

"NO! YOU CAN HAVE THAT KIND OF BREAKFAST ONCE YOU'RE MARRIED!"

"Then can I have pasta in bed!" adds Feliciano with excitement.

"Ah, a pasta lover, that reminds me of a poem: _roses are red, violets are blue. I like spaghetti, let's go scr-"_

"WE'RE LEAVING!"

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**_Hehe, that's chapter 3! Hope you liked it and aren't too mad about me not updating! By the way, I'm thinking of actually writing a short one shot about Hungary, Spain, and Poland actually getting high. But I'll most likely write it after I finish this story._**

**_Well, until next time! :DDDD_**


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